But I have trusted, leaned on, and been confident in YOUR mercy and loving-kindness; my heart shall REJOICE and be in high-spirits in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt with me. - David (Psalm 13)
My emotions have been ABLAZE in side of me lately - some days it has been a struggle as I fight confusion, bitterness, and depression but I keep pressing into the presence of God. He promises that their is a GREAT reward for those who diligently seek Him. I realize that when you are hurting a "great reward" does not sound very promising because what you want at that very moment - you most likely can not have. What you are wanting right now - is most likely not what you need. What YOU need - is to focus on what God is saying to you. Let go - I'm not asking you to let go of everything and immediately be able to give up all your emotions and forgive and forget. What I am suggesting is that you let go of the "control". I know it hurts - but when you REALLY do it - you will begin to feel the heaviness in your heart GO. Bitterness and depression will literally eat away at your heart and who you are. You may be feeling like you don't even remember who you really are - this is why it is so important that you give full control to the one who created YOU - the one who will never let you down - the one who can see years down the road. He is so close to the broken hearted and will literally engulf you with a love that surpasses any person, place, position, or circumstance. Just let Him. You can trust Him - I know.
Yesterday, I began to weep in his presence and I told God that I was tired of this heaviness I was carrying around in my heart. I wanted to be able to forgive just so I could be free of my suffocating emotions. I gave the control to Him. I said even if the other person never says sorry, even if the other person never even realizes what he/she did, and even if I never find out why. I trust you. I can forgive - It hurts really bad but I'm done trying to control the situation - I give it to you.
He reminded me that everything this person had done to wrong me - I had done to God in some ways - I am guilty of failing God daily - but here He was loving me and healing me. He only brought that to my attention so that I would have the power to be able to forgive - just like He has forgiven me.
I would like to write to you to tell you after this intense moment with God that I walked out skipping and light on my feet - but that's not true. I didn't immediately "feel" different but the way I was thinking was more positive. I was thinking that I trusted God and that I no longer was in control of any outcomes.
Today I woke up and immediately thanked Him for the day that he had brought me even though I didn't "feel" like getting out of bed. I thanked Him for a hot shower. I thanked Him for my new Bare minerals make-up that takes me FOREVER to put on. I thanked Him for my cheetah print keds and I thanked him for my dog. I love my dog and I left the house.
Before the end of the day - the person who wronged me apologized and asked for my forgiveness. It was incredible - because God had already put me in a position to be able to say I forgive you. Even though I felt like SCREAMING - I knew that God was in control and I said "I forgive you".
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Ouch My Heart Hurts_Part 3
Look for opportunities for relief!
When I say this - I dont mean look at a bar, alcohol, drugs, parties, one night stands, or anything that will immediately try to help with the symptoms of hurt. These things are only distractions and can only temporarily ease the pain. It's similar to putting a band-aid over a severe wound. If it isn't treated - you can possibly suppress the infection for some time - but in the long run it has been left untreated and the infection can spread elsewhere and take a toll on your entire body.
What I do mean is - be on the lookout for random opportunities to help people. Realize that it is natural to become more selfish than EVER when you are hurting - because pain will take all of your focus and put it on YOU. To fight this make yourself take that focus away at moments - and look at others. This weekend I was at walmart I don't even remember how I got there or walking in because I was so consumed with chewing someone out in my head. I was on the verge of hysteria as I went to walmart to get a movie from RedBox. A woman came up behind me and was literally breathing down my neck. I was FUMING. I thought my head was going to pop off - I quickly made my choice and was walking out as she called out to me, "excuse me - I'm not sure how this works - how do I begin?" At that moment I wanted to grunt and say, "Have you been living under a rock?" But I began to show her and as I was helping her I realized she was looking at movies for her grandchildren to watch at her house that evening. She was sweet and was only breathing down my neck because she had never used the machine before. She said as I was leaving, "I appreciate you helping me. You are very sweet." You don't know what that did to my heart. It was like a moment of relief from my pain - she said I'm sweet! I'm not crazy! I do have a purpose here! Seriously - for like an hour I didn't focus on my pain - and an hour is a huge accomplishment in a crisis! Look around you!
Pile your troubles on God's shoulders - He'll carry your load, he'll help you out.
- Psalm 55:22
When I say this - I dont mean look at a bar, alcohol, drugs, parties, one night stands, or anything that will immediately try to help with the symptoms of hurt. These things are only distractions and can only temporarily ease the pain. It's similar to putting a band-aid over a severe wound. If it isn't treated - you can possibly suppress the infection for some time - but in the long run it has been left untreated and the infection can spread elsewhere and take a toll on your entire body.
What I do mean is - be on the lookout for random opportunities to help people. Realize that it is natural to become more selfish than EVER when you are hurting - because pain will take all of your focus and put it on YOU. To fight this make yourself take that focus away at moments - and look at others. This weekend I was at walmart I don't even remember how I got there or walking in because I was so consumed with chewing someone out in my head. I was on the verge of hysteria as I went to walmart to get a movie from RedBox. A woman came up behind me and was literally breathing down my neck. I was FUMING. I thought my head was going to pop off - I quickly made my choice and was walking out as she called out to me, "excuse me - I'm not sure how this works - how do I begin?" At that moment I wanted to grunt and say, "Have you been living under a rock?" But I began to show her and as I was helping her I realized she was looking at movies for her grandchildren to watch at her house that evening. She was sweet and was only breathing down my neck because she had never used the machine before. She said as I was leaving, "I appreciate you helping me. You are very sweet." You don't know what that did to my heart. It was like a moment of relief from my pain - she said I'm sweet! I'm not crazy! I do have a purpose here! Seriously - for like an hour I didn't focus on my pain - and an hour is a huge accomplishment in a crisis! Look around you!
Pile your troubles on God's shoulders - He'll carry your load, he'll help you out.
- Psalm 55:22
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Ouch my Heart Hurts_part 2
When you have just been hurt by someone. It can really get into your head and sometimes begin to distort your perception of yourself. I realized I was beginning to compare my personality, my body, my talents, and my self worth with others. It can happen to anyone when you are in pain but you have got to take control over your thoughts.
" let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." - Romans 12:6
"What you say about yourself means nothing in God’s work. It’s what God says about you that makes the difference." - 2 Corinthians 10:18
DO NOT. I REPEAT. DO NOT compare yourself to or with anyone.
When you do that - you are questioning God's work.
He made you with a special plan and purpose. He knows the number of strands of hair on your head.
He created every part of you. He sees you as VALUABLE as BEAUTIFUL as His MASTERPIECE. That is and never will be a question or concern of HIS. Because He knows what HE created you as.
Do not begin to question who you are or what you look like because of what you assume someone else thinks. That person - no matter who they are - is not worth it. Listen. This is truth - and you must believe it. You ARE strong enough. You ARE amazing - you have to get that into your head and do not look at anyone else with pride or envy - because they don't have what God has given YOU.
"God heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds" Psalm 147:3
" let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." - Romans 12:6
"What you say about yourself means nothing in God’s work. It’s what God says about you that makes the difference." - 2 Corinthians 10:18
DO NOT. I REPEAT. DO NOT compare yourself to or with anyone.
When you do that - you are questioning God's work.
He made you with a special plan and purpose. He knows the number of strands of hair on your head.
He created every part of you. He sees you as VALUABLE as BEAUTIFUL as His MASTERPIECE. That is and never will be a question or concern of HIS. Because He knows what HE created you as.
Do not begin to question who you are or what you look like because of what you assume someone else thinks. That person - no matter who they are - is not worth it. Listen. This is truth - and you must believe it. You ARE strong enough. You ARE amazing - you have to get that into your head and do not look at anyone else with pride or envy - because they don't have what God has given YOU.
"God heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds" Psalm 147:3
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Ouch My Heart Hurts_Part 1_The Freak Out
These past 3 weeks have been tough stuff for me. I've had many freak out moments. I am still hurting but I think that after the freak out stage, I can see a little clearer. I've noticed some things that I did that helped me. I've also noticed some things that I did that I regret in a major way. Please realize that I understand you are hurting - do not take my words lightly - these are all extremely hard to do - but YOU CAN DO IT!
When you are hurting and angry it is important to realize that your emotions are crazy and will cause you to do things the REAL you would NEVER do. Do not trust yourself in these moments.
Focus - here are some ways of handling the first phase.
a. You're not a psycho - you are just hurting.
b. Don't trust yourself - you need to go into a hiding for just a couple of days - you can do it.
c. Put your phone away - it's not an option right now - you're not thinking straight.
d. Focus - it's not your job to make anything right or point any fingers right now.
e. Write it All Down.
f. Scream/Cry really loud in private - no longer than 10 minute sessions at a time.
g. Turn off your sappy love/break up music. Seriously. Only happy music preferably music
about how much God loves you.
h. Don't make your feelings public - NO SOCIAL MEDIA. You are off the radar right now do not
do anything that will draw attention to yourself.
i. Stop talking. Remember you are in hiding. Don't talk/text/call/hangout with anyone unless they are family or a life long best of the best friends. You are going to want to be distracted by "new" people or friends you haven't hung out with in a while. This is running from your hurt and dragging innocent people into your pain - this can potentially create more strife, regret, and serious pain for you and others in the long run. STOP!
It's okay to have a freak out moment - just make sure it is with someone who is extremely close with you, otherwise you will cause regret. Writing out your feelings will help your mind to become clear. I wrote to the people who wronged me. I wrote to God. I wrote everything and I didn't hold back. When I was done I felt slightly accomplished and that I had gotten everything out.
Remember this is just the initial stage - Follow these boundaries for at least the first 2 days...I have some other posts coming that will help you with the next stage!
When you are hurting and angry it is important to realize that your emotions are crazy and will cause you to do things the REAL you would NEVER do. Do not trust yourself in these moments.
Focus - here are some ways of handling the first phase.
a. You're not a psycho - you are just hurting.
b. Don't trust yourself - you need to go into a hiding for just a couple of days - you can do it.
c. Put your phone away - it's not an option right now - you're not thinking straight.
d. Focus - it's not your job to make anything right or point any fingers right now.
e. Write it All Down.
f. Scream/Cry really loud in private - no longer than 10 minute sessions at a time.
g. Turn off your sappy love/break up music. Seriously. Only happy music preferably music
about how much God loves you.
h. Don't make your feelings public - NO SOCIAL MEDIA. You are off the radar right now do not
do anything that will draw attention to yourself.
i. Stop talking. Remember you are in hiding. Don't talk/text/call/hangout with anyone unless they are family or a life long best of the best friends. You are going to want to be distracted by "new" people or friends you haven't hung out with in a while. This is running from your hurt and dragging innocent people into your pain - this can potentially create more strife, regret, and serious pain for you and others in the long run. STOP!
It's okay to have a freak out moment - just make sure it is with someone who is extremely close with you, otherwise you will cause regret. Writing out your feelings will help your mind to become clear. I wrote to the people who wronged me. I wrote to God. I wrote everything and I didn't hold back. When I was done I felt slightly accomplished and that I had gotten everything out.
Remember this is just the initial stage - Follow these boundaries for at least the first 2 days...I have some other posts coming that will help you with the next stage!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Ouch My Heart Hearts_invitation to the pity party
Yep, this one hurts the worst. Deep deep in side my heart their is a sting that keeps getting worse and I can't stop the pain. I'm to old for this. I loved him but I never told him. He was my best friend. He turned on me. Completely. She has been in my life forever. I was in her wedding. I was there when she got a divorce. Apparently they are "extremely close". I asked her. She said yes. He said he didn't know. He didn't say "no". My world just got flipped. I thought I'd be engaged by next summer. My hair is red. I feel like I can't cope. He sleeps soundly. I'm wide awake. I should've listened. I should've...I should've...I should've...won't get out of my head. How could he...how could he...how could he. These battles wont cease. I confronted her. She called him. She confided in him. He defended her. He has fallen in. I'm done and I won't go back. You reap what you sow you coward and you ___. Yeah I just went there. Forgiveness will come. I'll be blown away by the guy God has for me. I'll laugh at these tears that flow. The bitterness will go and peace will come in. I'll be fine because God holds my hand. We've been through this before - He knows the drill. I have a pity party and then I'm done and look to Him. Welcome to the pity party - I hope it's been fun. It wont last long - I'm almost done...
Thursday, November 1, 2012
He just dropped a bomb on me
"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"
Breathe and smile...Seriously? At a time like this he is asking me this question? Can't he see that I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to focus. At a time like this he is asking me to stop and muster up the energy to do a serious introspective counseling session of myself? He is crazy. I am just going to go along with this conversation until he leaves so that I can finish what I'm doing in time to leave right when I get off in order to sit on my couch and watch HULU or look at what houses are for sale in the area and dream of moving out. I'll probably think about working out and maybe even actually act on that thought, but probably not. My last failed attempt of creating a work out routine went a little something like this:
My mother forwarded me an email about Curves, have you heard of it? You know, stereotypically where all of the "old" women work-out. I thought I might give it a try considering I get called "grandma" all of the time, I can't help that I like to hang-out by myself and my couch is my favorite extra-curricular activity. My first day of work-outs was "zumba" day - I was offered a wrap for my waste that was hot pink equipped with bells and of course shiny bedazzlments. I kindly declined and found the last cramped spot available. The music was queued and we began a series of awkwardness that I will not even attempt to describe to you. Let's just say the woman next to me decided to wear her, what i call, "shimmy wrap", WAY above her waist and would only move the top half of of her body. I decided to never return again, not because of the zumba challenged class, but because the next day I called to report that I had gotten home late from work and asked if I could come to my appointment 30 min. late (one hour and 1/2 before closing). Her response was, "No, I'm sorry it's getting late, we can reschedule you tomorrow just make sure you take your clothes to work so that you won't be late again." I gritted my teeth and loveling got off the phone while my mom is in the background insisting that I call her back and confront her for her attitude and "ALERT THE AUTHORITIES".
The only thought that immediately came to mind concerning the next decade was, "Well I don't want to be working, so I guess I want to be in a state of financial awesomeness," If that is even a rational thought, because I'm not making enough to even save.
He said, "Your assignment is to write 10 goals for 10 years."
Um yeah, probably not, the last thing that I need is ANOTHER thing to do.
But his question basically poked at my brain all day until I got home to actually confront the idea of where I would be and what my life would look like on my 34th birthday. (shutter)
After wrestling with myself and asking God to answer this:
Direct my path
Focus my passions
Align my dreams
Give me His vision
Here was my list (if you could actually see the scribbleness and handwriting you would probably call an insane asulym)
1. own 3 properties
2. own 1 new car
3. Have cash saved for another car whenever needed
4. Be able to Give 40% of my income Save 40% and Live off of 20% (comfortably)
5. To be on an airplane AT LEAST 3 times a year - traveling is seriously my fascination
6. To be a part of a large group of women who make a WOW impact on the world
7. To own and operate a kiln and ceramic studio
8. To write a best seller
9. Be fluent in another language
10. To own every piece of technology needed to communicate in the most up to date efficient way necessary for me - camera, computer, phone, software, and be able to afford the accessories
You have to understand that everyone of these even by themselves makes my stomach sort of do those flippy floppy things and I have to muffle the thought of, "ha - yeah right - keep dreamin."
This man said he would speak to me again the next time he sees me and I should know my list - he is leaving in 3 days to move out of the state. Why is he asking me these questions? And why are those my top ten? At least it is inspiring me to be intentional with my life and who I am.
You should try! Write 10 goals for 10 years!
Breathe and smile...Seriously? At a time like this he is asking me this question? Can't he see that I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to focus. At a time like this he is asking me to stop and muster up the energy to do a serious introspective counseling session of myself? He is crazy. I am just going to go along with this conversation until he leaves so that I can finish what I'm doing in time to leave right when I get off in order to sit on my couch and watch HULU or look at what houses are for sale in the area and dream of moving out. I'll probably think about working out and maybe even actually act on that thought, but probably not. My last failed attempt of creating a work out routine went a little something like this:
My mother forwarded me an email about Curves, have you heard of it? You know, stereotypically where all of the "old" women work-out. I thought I might give it a try considering I get called "grandma" all of the time, I can't help that I like to hang-out by myself and my couch is my favorite extra-curricular activity. My first day of work-outs was "zumba" day - I was offered a wrap for my waste that was hot pink equipped with bells and of course shiny bedazzlments. I kindly declined and found the last cramped spot available. The music was queued and we began a series of awkwardness that I will not even attempt to describe to you. Let's just say the woman next to me decided to wear her, what i call, "shimmy wrap", WAY above her waist and would only move the top half of of her body. I decided to never return again, not because of the zumba challenged class, but because the next day I called to report that I had gotten home late from work and asked if I could come to my appointment 30 min. late (one hour and 1/2 before closing). Her response was, "No, I'm sorry it's getting late, we can reschedule you tomorrow just make sure you take your clothes to work so that you won't be late again." I gritted my teeth and loveling got off the phone while my mom is in the background insisting that I call her back and confront her for her attitude and "ALERT THE AUTHORITIES".
The only thought that immediately came to mind concerning the next decade was, "Well I don't want to be working, so I guess I want to be in a state of financial awesomeness," If that is even a rational thought, because I'm not making enough to even save.
He said, "Your assignment is to write 10 goals for 10 years."
Um yeah, probably not, the last thing that I need is ANOTHER thing to do.
But his question basically poked at my brain all day until I got home to actually confront the idea of where I would be and what my life would look like on my 34th birthday. (shutter)
After wrestling with myself and asking God to answer this:
Direct my path
Focus my passions
Align my dreams
Give me His vision
Here was my list (if you could actually see the scribbleness and handwriting you would probably call an insane asulym)
1. own 3 properties
2. own 1 new car
3. Have cash saved for another car whenever needed
4. Be able to Give 40% of my income Save 40% and Live off of 20% (comfortably)
5. To be on an airplane AT LEAST 3 times a year - traveling is seriously my fascination
6. To be a part of a large group of women who make a WOW impact on the world
7. To own and operate a kiln and ceramic studio
8. To write a best seller
9. Be fluent in another language
10. To own every piece of technology needed to communicate in the most up to date efficient way necessary for me - camera, computer, phone, software, and be able to afford the accessories
You have to understand that everyone of these even by themselves makes my stomach sort of do those flippy floppy things and I have to muffle the thought of, "ha - yeah right - keep dreamin."
This man said he would speak to me again the next time he sees me and I should know my list - he is leaving in 3 days to move out of the state. Why is he asking me these questions? And why are those my top ten? At least it is inspiring me to be intentional with my life and who I am.
You should try! Write 10 goals for 10 years!
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