But I have trusted, leaned on, and been confident in YOUR mercy and loving-kindness; my heart shall REJOICE and be in high-spirits in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt with me. - David (Psalm 13)
My emotions have been ABLAZE in side of me lately - some days it has been a struggle as I fight confusion, bitterness, and depression but I keep pressing into the presence of God. He promises that their is a GREAT reward for those who diligently seek Him. I realize that when you are hurting a "great reward" does not sound very promising because what you want at that very moment - you most likely can not have. What you are wanting right now - is most likely not what you need. What YOU need - is to focus on what God is saying to you. Let go - I'm not asking you to let go of everything and immediately be able to give up all your emotions and forgive and forget. What I am suggesting is that you let go of the "control". I know it hurts - but when you REALLY do it - you will begin to feel the heaviness in your heart GO. Bitterness and depression will literally eat away at your heart and who you are. You may be feeling like you don't even remember who you really are - this is why it is so important that you give full control to the one who created YOU - the one who will never let you down - the one who can see years down the road. He is so close to the broken hearted and will literally engulf you with a love that surpasses any person, place, position, or circumstance. Just let Him. You can trust Him - I know.
Yesterday, I began to weep in his presence and I told God that I was tired of this heaviness I was carrying around in my heart. I wanted to be able to forgive just so I could be free of my suffocating emotions. I gave the control to Him. I said even if the other person never says sorry, even if the other person never even realizes what he/she did, and even if I never find out why. I trust you. I can forgive - It hurts really bad but I'm done trying to control the situation - I give it to you.
He reminded me that everything this person had done to wrong me - I had done to God in some ways - I am guilty of failing God daily - but here He was loving me and healing me. He only brought that to my attention so that I would have the power to be able to forgive - just like He has forgiven me.
I would like to write to you to tell you after this intense moment with God that I walked out skipping and light on my feet - but that's not true. I didn't immediately "feel" different but the way I was thinking was more positive. I was thinking that I trusted God and that I no longer was in control of any outcomes.
Today I woke up and immediately thanked Him for the day that he had brought me even though I didn't "feel" like getting out of bed. I thanked Him for a hot shower. I thanked Him for my new Bare minerals make-up that takes me FOREVER to put on. I thanked Him for my cheetah print keds and I thanked him for my dog. I love my dog and I left the house.
Before the end of the day - the person who wronged me apologized and asked for my forgiveness. It was incredible - because God had already put me in a position to be able to say I forgive you. Even though I felt like SCREAMING - I knew that God was in control and I said "I forgive you".
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